So I don't know what's going on. I often have urges to shoot Kablooey in the head, even though I haven't seen her in a week. We talked on the phone on Monday and when I told her that Na and I were dating, she said, "scary." I asked her what she meant but she wouldn't elaborate. I'm fairly pissed off about that. Where does she get off insulting my new girlfriend? Yeah, I've said some pretty nasty things about O, but they were all fact based. I just thought it was really bitchy.

Plus she keeps asking for $30 for a phone bill when I was asking her not to call me. I spent so much more during the course of that relationship than she did, and I tell her not to call me, so she runs up a fucking $60 phone bill and charges me for half of it. I really don't like her much today.

Not to mention the way she leaves messages. Her tone makes it sound like her news is the most important thing anyone will tell me all day. It really gets under my skin. I think I'm gonna need a little more time without her in my life before I can deal. So I hate her today.

Things with Na are going well. I'm scared shitless though. Not because of the sleeping with her though (Kablooey's a bitch) More because I have no idea what I'm doing. I don't know if I'm ready to be what she wants yet. I know she's had a crush on me for a really long time. I'm pretty sure she's way ahead of me on the relationship continuum. We're still kinda nervous around each other, which means we slept together too soon, I think. She's really sweet and funny and wonderful and all that stuff, but I don't love her, not like that, and I don't know if I will the way she wants.

Ash has been pushing hard for us to get together. And sometimes it does feel right, like when I was giving her a massage today. That felt really good. But other times it felt completely wrong and awkward and I wanted to run away, but I can't run away cause this is Na we're talking about here. The least scary person ever.

She touches me too often. Its like she's making sure its real. It feels like she has alot riding on me, but I don't on her. The imbalance might be the weirdness of it, what makes it feel off sometimes. She thanks me constantly, for stuff like hanging out with her, and letting her stay over at the house. Its alot of pressure. I know how much this means to her, but I don't know what it means to me. I have no clue. Whenever I try to describe it, a 'but' sneaks in at the end. I don't use the 'but' when I'm telling other people about it.

"She's a really sweet girl, but…" "I really like her, but…"

And I don't even know if its Kablooey that's throwing me off right now. I mean, I'm sure she must be, but in what direction? Am I doing this to say, "Look, I have a girlfriend too!" or to say, "Look, I've moved on, you can be jealous now."

I wish this had nothing to do with Kablooey. I wish she would get out of my fucking head long enough for her to be completely uninvolved in my decision-making processes. But she isn't. So how do I go about pushing her out of me with her sitting on my shoulders, all 800 hairy pounds of her? What can I do to make this thing with Na a valid attempt, and not just some twisted thing I do because I can't think straight? I have to slow it way down. We have to get to know each other alot better. More hanging out, less making out. Its alot easier to kiss than to talk. Those stupid getting to know you games we've been playing set my teeth on edge, but there's got to be some other way to do it. My tendency is to say nothing unless I have something important to say, though, which doesn't lend itself to conversation. I'm trying some, but I have to remember to push myself to tell more stories. We have to start telling each other stories.

I really hate that she is in Asheville and constantly nosing her way back in. Why does she think its ok to call me? Why does she assume that I'm her friend? She never even asked if I wanted to be. You'd think breaking up with her would have been enough, but no, I have to continue to get pissed off at her and look over my shoulder when I go to visit my friends.

I am so not ready for Na yet. I have way too much anger for love to sneak in.

We saw Dolly Parton's cousin walking to Hairspray on Friday. I can't believe he walks all that way, and he's there almost every night. I call him Dolly's cousin because that's how he introduces himself when in an altered state. I was impressed. Its not everyday you meet a member of the Parton family at a gay bar. Or see one walking the mile and a half of dark west Asheville terrain to get to said gay bar. I wonder if he catches a ride back home?

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