It's that time of year again. The time when I feel the sun on my back, smell the trees and the undergrowth, hear the sound of children playing and wish I was at camp. It was pretty bad today. There weren't many orders to fill, and once they were done, I made up excuses to walk out to the mail box. Anytime one of the dogs wandered in, I took the opportunity to run around the yard with them a little.

Sigh

It's not that I actually want to be at camp, because I know that now that Elmo told some of the kids I'm gay, it'll just be weird, but I guess it's just a yearning for mis-spent youth or something. I could kill her for doing that, for thinking that just because she knew something, that a 12 year old needed to know it. And I didn't really want to go back anyway, after that last summer was so tense. Camp isn't supposed to be like that. I wanted to concentrate on the kids, but every ten seconds, here comes some other political and sexual landmine that wanted to go off right in front of me. I'm not sad the kids know, cause I know most of them are completely ok and old enough to deal with it. I'm sad that they have to deal with it, that the fact that I sleep with women even had to enter their lives. I don't think sexuality has a place there, any sexuality.

But that's wrong too. Ever since I can remember, we always asked the counselors all about their boyfriends. I wonder how many of them lied and said they didn't have one, or changed the gender of their lovers to suit our innocent minds? It sucks that they had to. That it was ok to talk about boyfriends, but girlfriends were verboten. If I go back, is it better to put my stuff out there to the counselors and deal with the tension, or to stay in the closet and deal with all my own inner stuff alone? Or tell just a few people that would be ok with it, like Rainbow did? I guess that's probably the smarter option. But why am I even worrying about it? I'm not going back. I have a good job with health insurance that lasts more than two months out of the year. I have a wonderful apartment/cat/girlfriend. I have too much responsibility to be a camp counselor anymore.

That makes me cry.