Dreamed I was on America's Next Top Model last night, as a mid-season replacement. First Task: Make a "tribal" oufit from a Gap clearance rack. I was the last to pick my top and fabric, but won through creative use of scissors. Can I just editorialize on how unlikely it would be to find any sort of ethnic or even natural print on a Gap clearance rack?
I was the only one who went to bed on time the night before the shoot, so everyone else was useless. Maybe that's why they had to bring in McCollough.
She and I were the final two, and The Director was there to help her, but I had to use the show crew. There was an issue with weird underwear that they weren't sure I would be able to walk in. It was like the naked underwear in Fabulous, only without a penis attached. They should have been more worried about my ability to walk in a thong. I did my makeup and picked out my clothes, then walked over to the theatre where the runway show was supposed to take place. Schoolgirls wanted my autograph. Tyra was mercifully absent. Once I got to the backroom, waiting for the show to begin, I found that in addition to pretending to be a model, I had to give a lecture on the Napoleonic Wars. There was an overhead projector. I glanced over the sheets, asked if I would be allowed to have notes, then assured everyone that it would be no problem.
Everything I did, I was good at. It was a little bit like a flying dream, only it was all things that I have never had any particular desire to be good at before, whereas everyone wants to be good at flying. I ran all over the place without getting tired, put together awesome outfits from scraps, and said cogent, intelligent things everytime I was spoken to. I have given stirring speeches in class before, but have no desire to know anything more about Napoleon than was explained in The Passion by Jeannette Winterson. Nor do I have any desire to put myself through the regular hell that preparing such speeches requires of me. I have worn nice clothes, and worn them well, but I have no desire to be a model. It was a little thrilling, in an "I could do it if I wanted to" kind of way. I woke up before I found out who won.
