I don’t even remember all the songs I did this evening, because The Spray was DEAD. There were the usuals: Tone Loc, Def Leppard, Alanis Morrisette. The rugby team actually hoisted me onto their shoulders (I shit you not) during You Outta Know. I mixed it up a little with Vanilla Ice, which is more lyrically dense than you may remember. And the French Broads signed me up for Turn Around Bright Eyes, which would not have been my first choice, but the crowd was into it.

There are some rules one must always remember when selecting a Karaoke number.

1) What tone does your voice tend to take? I can growl with the best of them, but don’t ask me to keep it in tune. If you can’t keep it in tune, don’t sing Kelly freakin’ Clarkson.

2) What mood is the crowd in? If everyone else is doing country standards, and the crowd is eating it up, don’t bust out Staind or Pearl Jam. In fact, don’t bust out Staind no matter what. Just don’t. By the same token, if the crowd is all about some live, dancin’ 80’s music, don’t bring in Faith Hill. Even if you fucking ARE Faith Hill, no one will appreciate it.

3) Listen to the song beforehand. Does it have a 32 measure guitar solo? Don’t pick that song, unless you plan on lap dancing everyone in the bar during the break.

Hopefully, this will improve everyone’s karaoke experience. Even if you break Rule 1, following the other two will ensure a positive karoake experience, because song choice is the supreme consideration. Even if you totally suck, people will sing along with Joan Jett.