I’ve decided that in order to avoid talking about home improvement projects, which are not as interesting to most of my readership as lesbian sex scandals, I will start reviewing podcasts that I listen to. These reviews will feature my trademark wit and style, as well as ranting. That’s the other thing my readers like most.

First up: Talking to Manatees. The name comes from that episode in season one where Jenny got the aquarium guy to fuck her up against the fish tank. Inside the tank are beluga whales, but Jenny continually refers to them as manatees.

This is the part where I reveal my dirty little secret. See, even though I don’t actually watch The L Word, I can totally carry on a conversation about the show. Thanks to Scribe Grrl and Scribe Grrl’s Girl, I can fool anyone into believing that I still care enough about the show to spend an hour a week watching it, then four hours a week attempting to control my blood pressure. But actually, I spend 15 minutes listening to a recap, with derision included, so my cholesterol rises not a hair. I can totally cancel my cable now that Carolina is out of the tournament, but I don’t feel like a naughty lesbian with no connection to my community.

But you know what? Why the hell do I have to watch a badly written show with sloppy lines, the crappiest theme song on TV, and the most absurd plot lines this side of Wisteria Lane? I had a community before Ilene Chaiken had a pilot episode, and it’ll be there long after Shane’s metabolism catches up with her 75 calorie per day diet.

So the hosts of Talking to Manatees run through their likes and dislikes of each episode: who’s wearing stupid hats, who said stupid shit, what color tank top Beals was wearing. They share many of my opinions about the show: Alice is amazing, EZGirl is ridiculous, Dana’s death was the most pointless bit of plot manipulation since the invention of television, Jenny is at her best when she’s ass over elbows crazy. They save me the trouble of watching the show, which is nice, but they also save me the trouble of getting emotionally involved with the characters. I can save my emotions for real people now.

Isn’t that wonderful?