Since I don’t watch TV anymore, preferring instead to read the recaps, I have a very specialized knowledge of only one genre of show: the gay ones. Specifically, the shows they recap on afterellen.com. Today, I read the recaps of season 2 of Work Out, the show on Bravo following the exploits of Jackie Warner, fabulous gym owner and member of L.A.’s cliterati. Her on-again-off-again girlfriend Mimi bites, won’t let her talk, and throws wine glasses at classy bars. So I cast myself in this little reality play. Not my actual self, but the fabulous, exciting self that would show up on a Bravo reality show:

Enter Kathryn, the exciting young software developer. She bikes to work and chops wood in the summer (I know the show is set in LA; use your imagination), but she needs a routine to keep her up to snuff in the winter.

Through a combination of friendliness, cluelessness, light carpentry skill, and humor, I manage to sweep Ms. Warner off her feet. Many of my interviews are conducted while I am half naked and sorting laundry, since I was doing that while I formulated this little scenario. I would start out working with Erika, the trainer who looks like Angelina Jolie, but she wouldn’t crack a smile when I told my dominatrix story, so I would go to Jackie to get a new trainer. She would sense something different (some might even say special) about me, and take me on as her own project.

Over time, my idyllic and calm way of life would appeal to Jackie. I don’t bite people (usually). When I go to bars, we just have interesting conversation. No matter how excited I get, I never throw glasses. I tend to cry and storm out instead.

All this is well and good, but Jackie’s problem isn’t that she hasn’t met the right woman yet. She’s addicted to drama. Ad-dic-ted. Mimi bites her, and she kinda likes it. She likes that it gets attention; she likes that people wanna talk about how fucked up it is. I get excited about other people’s drama, but in my own relationships it gets old real quick. After Kablooey, I decided that Dyke Drama was the stoopidest waste of time since Zoop.