Springtime has hit us full bore here in Asheville, which means that it’s time once again for the bike v. car debate. The pages of the Mountain X and Citizen-Times are full of it. I mean more full of it than usual. (I kid because I love!)

See, the bikers criticize the cars that run them off the road. And the cars criticize the bikes that skip lines at traffic lights, take up two lanes for three bikes, and in general interfere with their intent to travel at twice the posted speed limit. As your friendly neighborhood blogger, I intend to offer advice to both these groups that will solve all their problems, and yet will never be heeded. That’s what bloggers do.

Cars: Don’t push bikes into the ditch. You’re bigger, faster, meaner and more impatient. You should be ashamed of yourself. Call your mother. If the bike isn’t hugging the curb, its probably because they feel unsafe doing so. Don’t act like they intend to sodomize you with a two by four.

Bikes: You’ve driven a damn car before, act like you’ve got some sense. When riding in a group, don’t ride three abreast. That’s only for whores from Alpha Centauri (a sci-fi joke!) When waiting in line for a traffic light, don’t ride back past all the cars that just managed to work their way around you. Are you trying to piss people off? Ride defensively, using the sidewalk if there are no pedestrians. I know it’s not really legal, but until that asshole in the car realizes that you aren’t trying to sodomize him with a two by four, you’ve got some cultural ambassadorship ahead of you.

The problem with the editorial letters is that the good drivers are complaining about the bad bikers, and the good bikers are complaining about the bad drivers. Until the two good groups can realize that each other exist, there can be no attempt to eliminate the bad.