I came home from work on Monday to find the following note taped to my front door.

Hutchison-Biggs & Associates, INC
Land Surveyors

October 15, 2007

Dear Neighbor,

Please do not be using our front yard or driveway as an access to your property anymore. Our property is monitered via video recording cameras 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Any further evidence of trespass will be turned over to the Sheriff’s department.

Sincerely,

Hutchison-Biggs & Associates, Inc

Their driveway is about 50 yards away from my house. My driveway is right beside my house. Therefore it would be completely obvious and stupid to imply that I would ever drive my car onto their property. They didn’t say anything about my car though, just “access to my property.” I have been onto their property a grand total of 3 times: 1) while mowing my lawn to ensure that everything was nice and even. That stops now, obviously. 2) to help another neighbor retrieve his dog when it got out. 3) to get my dogs when they decided to have a big dog party with the family that lives on the other side of this company.

Besides being jerks, my other neighbors say that these guys shot a pet and left it beside the road to die, so they are above and beyond your average everyday jerks and have crossed the line into super-asshole-extraordinaires.

My reply:

Dear “Neighbor,”

Had you bothered to find out my name or what kind of car I drive, both available from publicly accessible county tax records, then you would have known that I have not, nor will I ever in the future use your driveway. Since you obviously hand delivered the ludicrous, unprofessional note you taped to my door, you may have noticed that I have my own driveway. This driveway, located on my property, is right next to my house, much closer than your driveway. It would be ridiculous to use any part of your property for ingress or egress to my property.

I considered myself to be a good neighbor before I received your threatening note. I always paid attention to cars that went down your drive at night when I knew you were closed. I have consulted my attorney in this matter, and while I can promise to never set foot on your property, I also feel free to no longer bother working toward our common good.

Sincerely,
Pixiedyke